题目

雅思小作文修改
The line charts gives a breakdown of the proportion of men and women according to their weight.The weight groups are divided into three categories,which were healthy weight,overweight,obese and dangerously obese.
The percentage of overweight women remained at the same level(below 50%)without remarkable change.Compared with male counterparts,whose percentage has risenslightly from approximately 42% to 46%.Both of the healthy rate was a downward trend,accounted for around 45% in 1993 and 36% in 2002,and the percentage of women comprised from 40% to about 31%.
It is noticeable that the rate of dangerously obese and obese of male and female stood at the similar trend.By contrast,the percentage of female obese was marginally lower than men's.However,the proportion of male dangerously obese was a little higher than female counterparts.
To sum up,the percentage of overweight of men was much higher than women. http://wenwen.soso.com/z/q148267354.htm图在这!详细的说下我的缺点...再打个分...

提问时间：2020-10-30

答案

有语法错误,不过条理还算清晰.
1.我觉得“without remarkable change.Compared with male counterparts,”这里compared前面应该改为逗号,这样句子更连贯一些,虽然之前的一句已经提到woman,但是compared所指明显为woman用逗号更好.
2.“he line charts gives a breakdown of the proportion of men and women”注意你的动词“gives”不应用复数,虽然是小错误,但一定要注意.还有名词的复数“their weight”应该为“weights”“Both of the healthy rate was”应改为“healthy rates were”
文章很中规中矩,没有非常幼稚的错误,但是稍有不细心,应该注意词汇的变化,以及副词的使用,这样会有很多惊艳的地方.比如描绘线形图的陡峭长度,还要注意词汇的变换,如rate,percentage,proportion,proportionment,per- centum,percent,尽量不要重复.
你是在国外考吗,其实你写的已经不错了,只是层次要更清晰,比如要有明显的提示词,是从全局描写,还是in details.