题目

仁兄们来帮我评论一下这篇TOEFL作文
Subjects such as art,music,and drama should be part of every child's basic education?
As parents are often hoping that their children would be pre-eminent in the future,it is prevalent for students to have ex-curricular courses like some artistic lessons.Nowadays,wether to take subjects such as art,music and drama into every child's basic education has become a public concern.Some proponents stress the point that it is beneficial to the youngs' comprehensive development.Strangely enough,the critics,however,persist in regarding it compeletly a waste of time,arguing that it would load more pressure on the students and also do harm to the children's study for they spent too much time on such lessons.In my point of view,the significence of tanking artistic lessons cannot be overemphasized.The children can get spiritual gains and material benefits as well.This notion can be demonstrated by the following two reasons.
Primarily,it is of great adventagous to the teenager's mental growth which might help them foster an interest.Charlotte,a friend of mine,had entered a private school where she took music instrument lesson and studied the musical history several years ago.She then had a great appetite for playing the piano,and as a result,she had made friends with some congenial students.Not only did she notice her fond in music,Charlotte had also known what she wanted to pursue .Consequently she had gradually swiched to a vivacious girl who had more topics to talk about with others,while she was just a shy girl not long before.
Furthermore,there is material profit in the adolescents' oncoming career.Personnels with wide knowledge are more likely to meet the social demand due to the shortage of all-know talents.Results of a survey on what kind of people the big companies most wanted conducted recently shows that the businesses are demanding a good supply of comprehensively developed staffs,which means people with more skills or konwledge have more chances to get a job ,because these people may contribute to the enterprises' culture and make the companies more dynamic in the long run.
For these reasons,enriching people with overall knowledege especially artistic knowledge during their childhood plays an important role in their growth.Anyhow,students enriched with more konwledge are more cheerful and more suitable for the society than those who gain their konwledge from only textbooks.
能不能帮我打个分看看?
合理的字数是多少>?

提问时间：2021-04-01

答案

good 我感觉 是good中的中档
太冗长了---- 不是篇幅的问题 是句子的问题 而且衔接不够连贯.
不过还是很好的文章
加油 ↖(^ω^)↗