题目

帮忙批改雅思作文
Topic:Some people believe that teenagers should learn all school subjects,while others claim that students should focus on the subjects that they are best at or that they are interested in.Discuss both views and give your opinion.
In many places of the world,it is common these days for students to learn all the subjects at school.While,some people think it is not essential for them to do that,they can choose the part of subjects which they are interested in or good at.
These people believe that let students select what courses they want to learn by themselves is very beneficial.Students will becoming more positive in learning and give full play to their energy because of it.In addition,it is also the best way for them to get a clear perspective of what they are hoping to do with their lives in the future,which is not likely to those students who do not know what they to do after blindly study all the courses.What's more,it provide a chance for these students who are not excellent enough in all courses yet have a good command of one,to show their striking talent.
However,they are probably wrong.Teenagers should learn every subject in their school.Many of these teenager's though are not very mature,they select it because they like it at that time,while after a few months late,they begin to feel the subject is not as interesting as their thought,then they will soon get tried of studying,which is the last thing people would want.Furthermore,if teenagers do not learn all subjects,how do they make out what subjects they are best at or care about?If they choose major in science,how do they express it clearly with lack of language training?
So overall,my view is that teenagers may try to learn all school subjects in their study career instead of selecting to learn.It will enable them to broaden their horizons,and find a real suitable position for themselves.
要到6分怎么改?语法怎么改?

提问时间：2021-03-20

答案

雅思作文不是只看语法的,你的结构往往比语法更加重要.你的作文存在一下几个问题：
第一,在首段未表明观点.只是说some people think...却没有说 I think
第二,文章结构不太对.他要求你discuss both views and give your opinion.
那么文章的结构应该是“第一段：背景阐述/表明观点（一句即可,在后面详述)--第二段：讨论第一种观点--第三段：讨论第二种观点--第四段--论述你的观点--第五段：总结”..
你可以自己比对一下.你可以不按照这样分段,但文章中一定要有这些环节.
第三,不善于打句号.总是一逗到底,让人很难明白你到底一句中想要说些什么.建议你一句话只说一件事,不要用太多的长句子.因为这会使你的语言显得非常生涩.
总之,这篇文章应该是3分到4分左右.没有走题,但是也没有你自己的观点的详细论述.
PS：从你的文章中看出,你的基础应该还不错,像普通的高中生.也许有些还写不出这样的 ...可能你是还没有找到写这种英语标准化考试应试作文的精髓.建议你多看点别人写的,或者是买几本书看看.你们考雅思的应该还是有基本参考书的吧,多看看那上面的文章.体会他们的结构.相信你一定可以达到6分的.