题目

评析英语作文
生活中有苦也有乐.我们可以尽情的享受乐,但遇到困难是我们应该怎麽做呢?请以“Believe youself,and you will win”为题,写一篇短文,描述自己在学习生活中遇到困难并战胜它的过程.不少于70词.
我写的（无任何语法错误,但15分只得了5分）：
Believe youself,and you will win
There are many diffculties in my life.Last month ,Igot "c"in a English test,I was very nervous.And I cried in my bedroom.I was crying whenmy mom came in.she asked me for the resons and telled me to believe myself.And I was more hard-working.Next,she helped me with my English.Then I got good greads in next English text,I was very pleasant.And I know,if I believe myself,I will win!
为什麽会减5分,请说明原因,还有这类英语作文该如何写?

提问时间：2021-02-15

答案

首先的你的用词不够好,大量口语话的用词和拼写,在书面表达这是应该避免的.例如,首句中的many可以改为a plenty of 或者numerous；第二行中的mom最好写成mother；另外你用and作为开头太多了,或许这样可以调节句式,但是毕竟不是正式用法,你可以把and小写,直接作为并列从句.
第二,你的文章不是太简洁,虽然写够了70词,但是并没有传达出很多信息.例如,“she asked me for the resons and telled me to believe ···”一句,ask实际就有tell的意思,你可以把它改成,she ask me the reason and to beliece myself.
第三,你的文章逻辑性不强,也就是说连接词用的太少,句子间的过渡太突兀了.例如,首句你可以写成when I got "c "in a English test,I was very nervous.and I cried in my bedroom. At that moment my mom came in.你可以用连接词把文章整个串起来,这样的话时态就比较清晰,句式也复杂,逻辑性就强了.